{Currently} Red, White & Birthday!

Well, the holiday weekend is over and I hope you all had a wonderful time with family and friends. 

The Fourth of July happens to be one of my favorite holidays, and it also happens to be A's birthday! I was excited for the day, but also sad because I would not be able to physically celebrate with A. To be honest, I was a little more anxious then I was excited. 

Last year for his birthday, everything went to shit. We were of course separated by thousands of miles. But, besides that, something in him had changed. From my POV and from his explanation (way later) he lost sight of us, of me and our future. Some sort of immature rush came through him and he completely blew us off, he ignored my attempts to communicate with him, and I was crushed. 

So naturally, this year for his birthday I was worried, to say the least. We ended up bickering all day. Most of it was due to the tension over what could possibly happen again this year. We stopped talking and I was hurt, cue the red, white and blue. I went swimming and drank a margarita. I pretended I was okay, but I wasn't.

So, currently I am trying to work past my anxieties over past hurts. Currently I am trying to believe him when he says he wants this. Currently, we are making the most our of our convos (except for Friday). Currently we are counting down the days till we see each other again. Currently, he is hoping the orders come in sooner than expected. Currently, this is where we are. 

A message to A: I vow

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Where Do I start?

     I decided that my posts will serve as a timeline to where I (we) am now. Every now and then there will be a currently post(where we are, how things are going and so on) until I see him again. Those posts will be titled with, you guessed it: Currently. Read on, to learn about the beginning.

In February of 2006 I met the most amazing person I had ever met. He was kind and gentle, and I knew I was in trouble. I knew that my heart was safe but I was hesitant to allow myself to feel the overwhelming love that I was feeling for A. Why was I hesitant? Because, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. I did not trust my heart, I did not trust people and I knew I needed time to heal. However, A. was different. Cliche, I know, but he was. 

I took the leap and allowed myself to fall deep into love. We were young and we both still had a lot of growing up to do. We were not certain about many things in life. We were not certain about what we wanted. We were not certain on the paths we would take. We were not certain about goals of any sort really. In fact, I was hesitantly (I was hesitant about everything, notice a pattern here?)working my way back into college classes, desperately trying to fix the GPA I ruined because of my abusive relationship (dropping classes, afraid to show up to classes and failing all together, etc). But we knew we loved each other deeply and madly. We were certain about our love and that was all the certainty we needed...until the adulthood panic hit me.

Time passed and A. began to act his age (AKA: immature). I knew that I had to push him to grow up, from an encouraging stand point, but I also needed to finish growing up for myself. I began to panic about life and meeting my new goals I had set in place for myself. I was on a path of growth and self care and A. was on a path of complacency and self-destruction. I broke up with him, I did not want to, but I knew I had to- for the both of us. I was running away, fast. I knew what I wanted in life and nothing would stop me. He was heartbroken, I was heartbroken. He felt inadequate and I felt like an asshole. 

Then, A. decided his next move was to join the army. He had been working as an electrician for a while but work was slow and he was often laid off. The army was his next step and I backed him on that decision 100%. I remained his best friend and confidant through the process of enlisting and shipping off to BCT. I saw a change in him and that change excited me. The day he left to boot camp he told me that he was going to show me how much he wanted me back, and how much he was ready to grow up I trusted this new drive in him and I waited...

**Note: There are obviously many pieces of detail that are missing from this initial post. As I write more, the details will become more relevant to the evolution of this relationship's story. I am still trying to figure out how much I am willing to share overall. Thank you for reading.

xoxo,

VS