{Currently}

It is currently Wednesday for me and Thursday for A. He is on a training mission right now and will not be back till the end of the week, which isn't far away. However, he is in another country from where he has his cell phone provider and therefore, he has no service. Annoying, but we (I) will live.

(He texted me earlier saying that he turned his roaming on to talk to me, but that it was going to charge him a ridiculous amount. So, since I am a crazy texter, I told him I appreciated the gesture but TURN IT OFF!!! See that, financial responsibility and the prevention of a high cell phone bill because, I am a crazy texter) 

Currently, we are okay. I have been on edge the past few days so I was/am hoping the few days without talking will help. 

Currently, I am frustrated. As I mentioned, I have been on edge, especially this past week. If there is any little disagreement between A. and I, my mind runs through its filing cabinet of every fight, every mistake and every hurtful thing that happened this past year. Then I take all that filed away information and review it for the purpose of getting myself even more mad, because that is what people, who are crazy texters, do. This past year was the hardest for us and a lot of it still hurts. I am working on not holding grudges and he is working on being patient. 

Currently, he is still waiting for orders. No fly date yet. Therefore, no definitive plans for me to go see him yet. Therefore, hurry up and wait. Therefore: sad face :(

Currently, I am exhausted, and so broke form school. BUT, I LOVE it. I look forward to my career every single day. I love life, man.

XoXo,

VS

Love letters

Here is a sweet flashback to a love letter written to me from A. before... waaaaay before BCT. It's adorable-silly to read now, but still special. 

Basic Combat Training/ MILSO Training, Continued

So, as BCT slowly, s l o w l y crept by, I realized I was also going through a sort of Basic Combat Training myself. I realized that as A. changed, so much about myself was changing as well. I learned how to be patient, I learned how to be even more independent while at the same time I learned how to show A. that I  was dependent on him when he needed to feel that, I learned to be more gentle (yea, I could be an ice queen sometimes-that has changed drastically), I learned what distance was, I learned to value time, and I learned that this whole MILSO thing was going to be tough-especially since I have always been very independent and that independence sparked fear in A. and made him feel that I would run for the hills during all of this distance.

So, I swallowed my pride and I accepted that if A. was going to change, then I needed to put in effort to compliment those changes. I could no longer have an attitude towards him because I was mad about something that happened a year, a month, a day ago. I needed to work through issues like an [adult] and communicate like an [adult], so I tried, we tried, and for a while it worked.

I think one of the biggest lessons out of all of this was the fact that I really learned how valuable time was. We had limited time on the phone to communicate, so I needed to bite my tongue and listen to A. I mean honestly, the last thing he wanted to hear about during his 5 minute phone call was gossip or what I ate for lunch. I made time for love, affection, listening and understanding in those precious 5 minutes that we had on the phone every Sunday.

This time apart was hard, and at the same time a HUGE blessing. I began to appreciate him again, and he began to appreciate me. We kind of grew up, but we did not grow apart.

As graduation approached and A. had more time to call, we made plans to buy a plane ticket so I could go to his graduation & family day. His family wasn't going because, well, they didn't care or didn't plan to have the money for it. All I will say about that group of people is that they are not ideal family members. My parents weren't able to go because they had something else going on, and my father ended up getting really sick, more on that later.

So I was sad for A., that it would only be me there to watch him graduate, but he reassured me that it was perfect. He was anxious to spend time with me alone. So there I was, young (23), hopeful and madly in love, about to board an airplane for the first time in my life...ALL ALONE.

Basic Combat Training/ MILSO Training

So, where did I leave off? Oh yes, Basic, and me waiting. While A. was away at BCT and without phone privileges the letters began to pour in. I opened every single one with major excitement. I read them over and over, and I cried and I felt love, that same deep love I felt when we first met. I sent him a letter every singe day as soon as I got his address. Communicating in this manner was the best thing for us. We were forced to pay attention to each others words and feelings, in order to reply to everything in a response letter. It helped us be more attentive to each other, as I'm sure many of you understand or have experienced. 

One day I opened a letter and it started with something like, "What is happening to us?..". My heart sank and I read on. A. began to ask repeatedly, "Why have you not written me back?". UMMMMM WHAT!?? I had sent a letter off almost every single day. Turns out the Drill Sgt's like to make the guys worry a bit and hold onto the letters for the first week or two before distributing them. Not funny at the time, but looking back, it is kind of funny. 

So, I diligently took to my pen and  paper and I began to write the longest most reassuring letter I possibly could. Then that following Sunday, he was able to make his first phone call. He immediately asked me if everything was ok. I reassured him that all was okay and that he would soon receive all my letters. And, he did. After that week we talked every Sunday, and I could hear the change in him. He was looking at life differently and I was so grateful! 

Graduation was approaching and it was time to start making travel plans. I had not seen A in almost 9 weeks, the longest I went without seeing him since the day we officially met. I was excited, I was anxious, I was starry-eyed and in love. We were so ready to make this relationship a real relationship again... 

{Currently} Red, White & Birthday!

Well, the holiday weekend is over and I hope you all had a wonderful time with family and friends. 

The Fourth of July happens to be one of my favorite holidays, and it also happens to be A's birthday! I was excited for the day, but also sad because I would not be able to physically celebrate with A. To be honest, I was a little more anxious then I was excited. 

Last year for his birthday, everything went to shit. We were of course separated by thousands of miles. But, besides that, something in him had changed. From my POV and from his explanation (way later) he lost sight of us, of me and our future. Some sort of immature rush came through him and he completely blew us off, he ignored my attempts to communicate with him, and I was crushed. 

So naturally, this year for his birthday I was worried, to say the least. We ended up bickering all day. Most of it was due to the tension over what could possibly happen again this year. We stopped talking and I was hurt, cue the red, white and blue. I went swimming and drank a margarita. I pretended I was okay, but I wasn't.

So, currently I am trying to work past my anxieties over past hurts. Currently I am trying to believe him when he says he wants this. Currently, we are making the most our of our convos (except for Friday). Currently we are counting down the days till we see each other again. Currently, he is hoping the orders come in sooner than expected. Currently, this is where we are. 

A message to A: I vow

Bloglovin

Hey everyone, Follow me on bloglovin! I'm looking for all the Milso blogs I follow on my other account. Look forward to sharing stories with you ladies. 

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Where Do I start?

     I decided that my posts will serve as a timeline to where I (we) am now. Every now and then there will be a currently post(where we are, how things are going and so on) until I see him again. Those posts will be titled with, you guessed it: Currently. Read on, to learn about the beginning.

In February of 2006 I met the most amazing person I had ever met. He was kind and gentle, and I knew I was in trouble. I knew that my heart was safe but I was hesitant to allow myself to feel the overwhelming love that I was feeling for A. Why was I hesitant? Because, I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship. I did not trust my heart, I did not trust people and I knew I needed time to heal. However, A. was different. Cliche, I know, but he was. 

I took the leap and allowed myself to fall deep into love. We were young and we both still had a lot of growing up to do. We were not certain about many things in life. We were not certain about what we wanted. We were not certain on the paths we would take. We were not certain about goals of any sort really. In fact, I was hesitantly (I was hesitant about everything, notice a pattern here?)working my way back into college classes, desperately trying to fix the GPA I ruined because of my abusive relationship (dropping classes, afraid to show up to classes and failing all together, etc). But we knew we loved each other deeply and madly. We were certain about our love and that was all the certainty we needed...until the adulthood panic hit me.

Time passed and A. began to act his age (AKA: immature). I knew that I had to push him to grow up, from an encouraging stand point, but I also needed to finish growing up for myself. I began to panic about life and meeting my new goals I had set in place for myself. I was on a path of growth and self care and A. was on a path of complacency and self-destruction. I broke up with him, I did not want to, but I knew I had to- for the both of us. I was running away, fast. I knew what I wanted in life and nothing would stop me. He was heartbroken, I was heartbroken. He felt inadequate and I felt like an asshole. 

Then, A. decided his next move was to join the army. He had been working as an electrician for a while but work was slow and he was often laid off. The army was his next step and I backed him on that decision 100%. I remained his best friend and confidant through the process of enlisting and shipping off to BCT. I saw a change in him and that change excited me. The day he left to boot camp he told me that he was going to show me how much he wanted me back, and how much he was ready to grow up I trusted this new drive in him and I waited...

**Note: There are obviously many pieces of detail that are missing from this initial post. As I write more, the details will become more relevant to the evolution of this relationship's story. I am still trying to figure out how much I am willing to share overall. Thank you for reading.

xoxo,

VS